Not being able to drink can be pretty stigmatizing. I feel really lame and boring only ever ordering diet cokes or waters (granted, diet coke is the nectar of the gods and is one of the few reasons I’m alive and functioning).
Sometimes I like to mix it up and after testing my limits over the years I’m aware that I if I only absorb a very minuscule amount of alcohol mixed with a lot of other fluids I will be okay and not rolling on the floor in pain. You know, sometimes you just want to fit in and be your average college student.
So I compiled a list (surprise, surprise) of beverages non-alcoholic and low alcohol content that are delicious and make me feel like a cool kid ordering a cool kid drink at the big boy bar:
Malibu Pineapple: This drink has a bad rep because it is so fruity, sugary and girly, but I don’t care because it is delicious. Perfect for summer time sippin’ because of its tropical vibes. It pretty much tastes like you are licking Hawaii with less sand and suntan lotion. It also has a really low alcohol content so if you’re looking to get naked wasted, this isn’t going to cut it. But if you are looking for a light buzz with a refreshing taste, this is the drink for you. I also find that this drink is really nice for February and you haven’t seen the light of day for months, want to burn every sweater you own and want the freedom of summer. This is summer in a cup, break glass in case of emergency.
New Glarus Fruit Ale: This is wine’s DELICIOUS COUSIN! It comes in a wine bottle so I call it wine, but it’s technically not. It pretty much just tastes like Welch’s sparkling grape juice but you feel less like a child. It is also more fun because people I get to tell people “Let’s have a movie night, I’ll bring the wine!” Which feels entirely grown up and like I’m a real functioning lady who gets wine drunk with her friends while watching chick-flicks.
Amaretto Sour: My roommate showed me this one. It’s like the Kiddie Cocktail’s cool older sister. It has a little booze so they use one of those little straws like a real-life cocktail. And you sound like you know what you’re doing because it isn’t just a whiskey coke or vodka mixer. You are fancy and know about grown-up drinks because you’re a grown-up
Kiddie Cocktails: Also known as a Shirley Temple. Don’t be fooled the name this is the world’s greatest invention – other than TV, Netflix, and the Internet and maybe electricity. I love Kiddie Cocktails but it makes me sad because my boyfriend refuses to order them for me because he is embarrassed. Why, there should be no reason for a grown man to be embarrassed about ordering a pink kiddie cocktail especially when he is order himself some gross IPA. If anyone wants to laugh about it they should try it because they will say, “This is candy in a cup and really tasty. You do you man, you do you.”
Virgin Mary: Virgin Mary’s are really delicious. It is a spicy, peppery piece of art. Don’t be scared away because it’s predominantly tomato juice; it doesn’t taste like tomato juice because it is just so much more. Not to mention the stick of a whole meal of things in your cup. Normally it’s just veggies, but sometimes you get an adorable little burger or some chunks of beef stick. My favorite part is the dilly beans. They are nice and crunchy, and spicy. And for all you regular people who like to drink real booze, the vodka doesn’t ruin the delicious.
Frozen Drinks: Frozen drinks call for preparation and planning and are often overly expensive, but they taste so good. They are just way more sugary and way less healthy smoothies. I personally think that it is always better to start with no alcohol and gradually pour in more because then everyone’s drink is just the way they like it. The non-drinkers get the juice and ice, then you blend in a small amount of alcohol which satisfies the people who like their drinks to still taste good, then you dumb in the rest for the people that like their alcohol to other liquids to be 1:1 because they don’t care what anything taste like, they just want booze and they want it NOW.
So everyone go out and drink something refreshing for a change!
Cheers!
Little Edie